wo ai ni (shesayslove) wrote,
wo ai ni

you're still right here

Leave me an anonymous comment pouring your heart out. Say anything. Tell me your stories, your secrets, those things no one ever asks but you wish to tell. Tell me about your love, your hate, your indifference, your joy. Tell me about what's inside of you when you're reading through these entries on your friends list, and tell me why you continue to come back here. Tell me anything. Tell me what you really think of me or yourself. Anything.

Post anonymously. Speak honestly. Post as many times as you like.

Everybody is always telling me what a good person I am, but I'm still really so afraid of dying alone. But then, sometimes, I'm not, because I know that even if I don't have you, I have myself, and even if you don't think you have me, you always have me. <3333 And it's enough, it's more than enough. <3333 I really love you, all of you, and if I could I think maybe I would place us all together in a tiny little house somewhere by the beach and try and tell you how much I love you. I want you to know that life is beautiful, and I wish you could see it like I do, sometimes, because when I'm with you (as long as I'm with you all <3), all of the world lines up, and I can remember, why I can be happy, because you make me see all of the little things and all of the big things, and you make me see the lights and the darknesses, and how even when it is so dark I can barely see a thing it is still so gorgeous and wonderful and lovely and amazing, because there are the stars and then there are the clouds and then there is you. <3 

You are my little lights. <3 I want to write you all a story, and maybe it doesn't have to be big, or impressive, or particularly amazing. Maybe it won't be my best work, but I don't think it'll be my worst, because it'll be for you. Maybe it won't make too much sense, or will lag in places, or its metaphors will be a little bit off. Maybe only a single sentence will come-together and really make you feel like I -love- you. 

But I want to write it for you anyways, because I know how it feels when you feel like nobody finds you important to them. I know how it feels when you think nobody loves you. I know how it feels, because sometimes I'm lonely, I'm really lonely. And I have to remember that persons have things to do, and I have to remember that they love other people, and I have to remember that they'll be with me when they want to be with me, but it's still hard, because you doubt yourself, don't you? You wonder, like maybe they make some list in their head, and maybe out of all of the good-things in their life you are not so good, or maybe out of all of their loved-ones they don't love you so much. Maybe they don't think about you often, or they puzzle about how annoying you are, how bothersome you are being, how strange you can be. Maybe, even though they are always telling you they love you, they don't really love you, because it's hard.

You don't want them to spend money on you, or work their fingers over again trying and trying to build you something. You don't need them to hug you just so that maybe you can believe in them, in their love for you. But sometimes you wish you did, because a person can tell you they love you and mean it, but maybe not like you wish. 

A person can love you so much, but you still wonder sometimes if they do, because there is always that little voice in the back of your head saying to you that everything they've ever told you could easily be a lie, because there isn't anything keeping them from not telling you the truth, there isn't anything, not-quite-at-all. 

And, I want to write you something, so that you can know that I love you, even just a little bit. I want you to be able to think, 'one time, this person held me', or, 'once, they told me they loved me', or, 'once, they looked at me, and I looked back, and their eyes were so, so, so soft'. I want you to be able to think like, 'even if she may have been busy, or sad, or happy, or content, or bored, or dreary, or gloomy, or lost, somebody still wrote something for me, and put all of their love for me into it, because they love me'. 

I want somebody to hold you for twenty minutes, someday. I want somebody to kiss your cheek, and to hold your hand, and entwine your fingers together. I want somebody to look at you, straight into your eyes, and I want them to tell you that they love you. I want to hug you, to hold your hands, to live through hundreds and thousands more mornings where we've stayed-up all night speaking about Kanjani8 and Nelly and why Wolverine clearly had a top-secret-career of being a stripper (look at his hips, won't you? <3). I want to watch the sun come-up with you. <3 I want you to know I love you, because sometimes it's hard to believe in that, but sometimes it's not, and sometimes it won't be, and maybe when you read this or reread this or skim-over this, you can believe in me for just a minute and know that I love you so much. <3 

I want to tell you I love you, so: I love you, I love you, I love you. 

I really love you. <3333 

"You just wanted to prove there was one safe place, just one safe place where you could love him. You have not found that place yet. You have not made that place yet. You are here. You are here. You're still right here." (You Are Jeff), Richard Siken <3333

And that's my secret for all of you. <3 I'm really lonely sometimes, but I have me, and you have me, and sometimes I have you, too. And even when I don't, and I'm lonely, it's okay, because it's enough, it's more than enough. <3 And I love you. <3

Please post on this as much as you want, okay? I really want to hear whatever you want to say. <3 And even if it's months or years or decades later, and even if we barely know each-other, or haven't spoken much at all, or we don't know each-other even just a little bit, I still want you to please say something, if you want to, because I'm one-hundred-percent certain that I want to listen to you, always, always, always. <3333

And, and, and, my anonymous options -should- work, but if they don't, please, please, please tell me and I will try and fix them. <3

Tags: i love you, i love you all, i love you so much, i really love you, oh, oh dear, oh god, oh oh oh, wo ai ni, wo zhen ai ni, wolverine's cute little hips
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